pitter patter

i miss risking my life crossing Lacson Street on the way to school every day. i miss waking up 15 minutes before class and running to school, my hair sopping wet from the shower. i miss foraging for food and knocking at my neighbors’ door to borrow dvd’s, books, plates and the occasional candle during power failures. i miss buying c2 iced tea from the neighboring tindahan in my rattiest dorm pajamas.

i miss not knowing what surprises will come up in a life that’s extraordinary in its being so amazingly boring.

i miss having actual feelings and emotions. i miss crying, laughing wholeheartedly, caring about what other people would say, giving a damn about other people’s feelings…

i miss looking up at the stars at night, i miss having the energy to read 25 pages’ worth of reading assignments, i miss wasting time watching Wowowee in the midst of finals week…

i can’t remember the last time i smiled just because i felt sublimely happy.

doing the very thing that i love the most in the world (studying medicine and seeing patients) is stripping me of my ability to feel anything.

i would give anything to feel anything, even anger. perhaps some pain, too.though i wouldn’t mind happiness, too. i wish i could cry, but the tears won’t come. i am a robot studying humans.

i have seen death take away a patient’s life before my very eyes. i have held a beating human heart in my hands. i have seen a foot severed from its leg, dripping in blood. i have run the length of a cadaver’s bowels. still, i can’t feel anything.

have you ever felt so empty that you begin to wonder how on earth can your blood still run through your veins when you know your heart has long been non-functional?

i tried crying today. i shed about two tears, then my eyes dried up. i can’t even cry properly anymore.

i don’t know what to do. i have never felt so lost…