little girl grows up
on christmas night when i was six years old, i heard santa’s sleigh bells on our rooftop.
it happened after i had fallen asleep in my sister’s room on christmas eve night. i was awoken from deep slumber by a thump on the roof above the room followed by the sound of soft footfalls. having been on a mystery novel phase with my sister at the time i quickly turned on the silver flashlight we kept under our pillow a la nancy drew. silence. i could feel my heart thumping in my chest. in my mind, we were either: a) being robbed b) being visited by santa or c) having a serious rat problem. being the irrepressible child that i was i hoped that the answer was b. a few moments later, the unmistakable sound of sleigh bells (y’know, the one you hear on tv and in the movies…) followed by a few rustling noises on the rooftop confirmed what i had sorely wished for. by the next morning my sister and i woke up and saw gifts in our christmas stockings. i had gotten a beautiful brunette barbie with a pink poufy dress, like what i had asked santa.
this was probably why i believed in santa far longer than other normal kids. i wish i could just believe in things the same way i did as a child. all that mattered to me when i was six was that i heard what i heard, and i believed. now at 24 years old despite screaming evidence, i can, quite amazingly, choose not to believe. denial sure is a bitch that gets better with age.
at age 6 i believed in something because of what i heard. now, apparently, i wouldn’t believe in something even if it pranced around smugly right in front of my face.
this realization comes after having received confirmation that i will be graduating with the degree doctor of medicine this april. it’s that huge reality check that reminded me of just how much i have grown, and just how different i am now from the little girl that i was then. heck, if i had met four years ago the person that i am now, i wouldn’t be able to reconize myself.
i guess there comes a point in every person’s life when he or she actively and willfully chooses to leave childhood behind, and i’m not talking about merely turning 18 or 21. it’s a decision that comes after having realized that real life and all its problems are coming, and that there’s no escaping it anymore. for me, this is it.
i sure miss those sleigh bells. even in the summer.
