pitter patter

i have not been checking my friendster messages, nor doing anything w/ my account for the simple reason that i don’t like computers. i don’t like using them a whole lot, i’m not thrilled by the sight of them, and i can definitely go for months not getting near one…if not that when i need to use it for school.oh well. life’s not perfect.

i don’t know when this dislike started. i guess i’m just really old fashioned. i prefer good old pen and paper when it comes to my writing. i’ve recently tried writing a story on my laptop, and i was nearly 5 pages into writing that i paused, reread my work, and just deleted the whole thing. of course, this speaks more to my lack of talent as a plotter and writer more than anything else, but an irrational part of me cried out that this would not have happened had i stayed with my good old notebook. i believe that i’ve written some of my best work using pen and paper. there’s just something so relaxing about being able to write an entire paragraph or juicy bit of conversation between my characters, and then just decide it’s crap and either cross the thing out violently or rip out the paper and throw it in the trash. it’s more personal that way. i love when my right hand hurts after writing steadily for an enitre hour. it makes me feel that i’m really working on something, like what i’ve written rmatters, as i’ve spent so much energy on it. oh, and i really don’t appreciate the eye strain from computer glare…

my take on this relationship that i have with computers may quite possibly translate to the kind of relationship i have with guys… i more than sometimes don’t like them both, and i mostly only need to use them for school (hahaha), and i can live w/o them for some time…but then again i sometimes catch myself thinking maybe they’re not all that bad…

so far i’ve got a few new ideas… there’s this one that i’ve been toying with for quite some time now, but never actually got around to writing. i finally realized i was hesitating because of fear. fear of the uncomfortable emotions this story will stir inside of me, and how this story will take me out of my comfort zone and stretch not only the limits of my imagination but also the range and my capacity for emotion. ive been too busy these past few months to actually feel any real and deep emotion, and i got scared…maybe i’d forgotten how to feel. then again, maybe not. maybe all i needed was a break from the Harrison and Surgery books…

i hope i come up with a good story… and to my friends, maybe you can read it some day…by the way, this work will NOT be a love story. but it will be sad. very sad…

"a young girl in pigtails clutches her teddy bear as she watches her favorite television show. she marvels as doogie howser md manages to weave his way in and out of the busy hospital corridors, healing patients left and right, never seeming to make a wrong diagnosis. an image of the compleat physician then starts to solidify in the wide-eyed girl’s mind: young, compassionate, brilliant yet humble, always willing to serve.

years pass, and the tv series ends. but the dream begins to take root in the young girl’s heart. she learns that she will not become a doctor at age 19, and that it will take years of persistent study to achieve the dream.

but she presses on. she later learns to love science, for it is the first step in her road to greatness. she slogs through years and years of study, of triumphs and failures. she finally steps into the portals of the oldest medical school on the country. here she learns that no matter how much she loves learning, sometimes it would not love her back. but it doesn’t matter to her, and she marches on.

her trial by fire is far from over. somnolence becomes a way of life for her, and the constant throbbing of her temples accompanies her everywhere. she finds out that there are so many other people smarter than her, quicker to learn, more articulate and more capable of dealing with pressure.

but the girl, no, now the young woman, learns to swallow her pride and admit that she is not the best at everything. because the one thing she holds on to is that dream that she took to heart many years ago. she may not have the most brilliant mind but her heart is stubborn. she may not have all the answers but she has the patience and perseverance to look for them. it may take her longer than others to understand lessons but she will not rest until she does. while so many around her anticipate the end of their studies she joyfully maps out a course that will bring her even more years of study, in hopes of being the best in her future field.

the girl will not stop, for no matter how limited the mind is, the heart will always be enormous, and she will always love her work."

this is me, just a nerd. and proud to be one.

quite a number of people know this about me, but for those who don’t…it’s that i really am computer illiterate. which is why it took so long for me to work out this blog thing. i hate having to work with a computer, except perhaps when it comes to preparing powerpoint visual aids for SGD’s (as my subsec in med knows all too well how i obsess over those things). but then again i figured i should try to learn to love this mysterious thing called my laptop. and use it for things other than physio class. (which, i might add, is over,so i guess i have to pick a new subject to obsess about…pharma here i come…)

i’m a closet writer. meaning i write stories which i deem such an utterly useless waste of time so that nobody gets to read most of my work except a select group of people whom i feel comfy enough with to waste their time with my pile of drivel. you know who you are folks…

i’ve got a few stories that have been running around in my head for the past few months. for any decent writer out there, this would be good news. au contraire. i had desperately anticipated this summer vacation, hoping that all the free time i could finally spend on writing the BIG ONE, that story that shall be deemed more than an irrelevant pile of crap, that one piece that will move a reader to tears, transcend bounds and bring the reader to a heightened state of human emotion. and more importantly, that one story that will get published and hopefully give me an alternate career just in case this whole doctor thing doesn’t work out (hehehe, i’m joking on this last one).   

well, the problem is, for all that i have in plot ideas and characterization, i seriously lack in the actual execution. is it the summer heat that has driven the neural connections between my hands and brain (corticospinal tract, anyone?) into a complete creative torpor? why is it that i sometimes stay up late into the wee hours just fleshing out ideas for the characters and the lives that i create for them, sometimes even bursting into tears with this strange yet powerful empathy that i feel for them and their fate and yet cannot string the right words to weave a tale that will bring these ideas to life? there’s nothing more frustrating than a plan that is simply not coming into fruition.

writing is a frustrating hobby. and it’s quite hard for me because i refuse to write my stories using a computer. yep, that’s right. i do it the old- fashioned way. pen and paper. i wouldn’t do it any other way. also, the biggest challenge for me is the fact that i am so freakin’ OC (obsessive compulsive becomes me…i’ve had my childhood issues..) so that no sentence, narration or turn of phrase could ever be good enough. it takes me so long to write anything remotely good, and even then when i do get others to read…let’s just say i’m not the best person to handle rejection and critique ( but that’s a whole other topic…)

so why bother? because of this restless stirring inside of my soul…it’s really there, this part of me that wants to live a life more exciting than mine, to share what i know about life (i don’t pretend to be an expert though), to dream of things that i would never have done for myself. to challenge convetional views on women (hell yeah! feminism rules!) and to say things i have oft hesitated uttering myself. 

true, i’m not the best writer out there, but hey, it’ll save me thousands of bucks’ worth of therapy!! who knows, i might get it right this time and actually expand my readership to more than four people. =)